“Is suffering so very serious? I have come to doubt it. It may be quite childish, a sort of undignified pastime. I'm referring to the kind of suffering a man inflicts on a woman or a woman on a man. It's extremely painful. I agree that it's hardly bearable. But I very much fear that this sort of pain deserves no consideration at all. It's no more worthy of respect than old age or illness.” says one of my idols Colette… One of the strongest woman on earth.
I also have my own
doubts about suffering. It is quite childish indeed yet certainly disrespectful
to your life. Sometimes life really
becomes unbearable. You live like as if you are the only one who made bad
choices. It’s been quite a while since I last thought of myself as a weak person.
Probably never thought of myself as a weak woman. Recently I have been one. No matter how
much I am ashamed of my experiences and no matter how hard it is for me to wake
up…
I realised I’ve
made some very bad choices in life. I let the wrong people come and mess my
life up and the ironic thing is that then I couldn’t let them get gone. Is it an experience? Probably. Is it a good
experience? Probably not. Will it be useful for me in the future? No ideas for now.
I am no longer what I
used to be. Everybody goes through weird times. But I think I haven’t been lucky
at all recently. How long does it take you to recover when you realise two of the most
valuable people in your life are actually assholes? How long does it take you
to accept it? How long will it take you to smile again? Or make your jokes? Or
feel lucky again. No ideas at all either.
I’ve made really
bad choices in life. I respect relationships that have given me something. But I’ve
always despised the relationships that have taken away something from me. 28
years and now I finally accepted.. There are bad people on this planet. UFOs might exist so do bad hearts. People
do not mean everything they say. People are not always trustful and the sad
thing is that people can easily break your heart.
Have been blamed
for lying, have been blamed for
cheating, have been blamed for wanting the things that I’ve never wanted. Have
been blamed for being a bad person, have been blamed for being cheeky, have been
blamed for being weak, have been blamed for being an idiot, have been blamed
for being intolerable, have been blamed for fucking someone’s life.
Have I? Probably
not. I’ve made mistakes. Mistakes that hurt people or mistakes that hurt me. So
what? Still I am not any of those above.
No matter how much
I kept being positive and telling people life is short and we should appreciate
it blablabla I couldn’t really apply that theory into my life. I fell down. I
fell down because the people who would normally hold my hand and hold me up
caused me to fall down.
I know life is
cruel and I know probably I am one of the cruel sides of that life to some. On
the other hand people have been quite cruel to me.
When you load your
own pain to someone else, if that person is the right one for it they try
keeping you up and taking more and more from you. But if you pick the wrong
person for loading your pain then they degrade you for loading them with your
pain and blame you for this. Well yes life is shocking. And nope pain is not
always sexy and lovely as they show in the movies. (Tribute to Coens)
“Sometimes I think
it would be nice to have someone, with whom to share this life.” but sometimes
it is really horrible. And if you are a persistent hopeless romantic obsessed
idiot like me and if you are going through real hard times at the same time
then you just cannot call it off. It is not because you are a cheeky and weak
person that cannot send the boyfriend away it is because you are a stupid
person that cannot give up on that person when you are going through hard
times. My sadness would make some people
happy but I don’t care. ‘Coz I know my happiness would make more people happy.
I wish I would
have picked someone, someone that would be less attractive, less sexy, less funny
but someone who would not kick me when I am already falling. Someone that I
would appreciate and let go when I could get over the stupid stuff. Probably I was also a bad choice for some
people. Karma has its own funny ways to take revenge.
If you pick the
wrong person then you ask for every possible thing that would happen to you.
You can be insulted, you can be hurt, you can be dumped, you can be let alone
and even kicked more when you fall down.
It is not about
love. It is about respect and probably a tribute to the old times. It is
certainly not about future and it is certainly not about stupid empty marriage
dreams. It is only about appreciating.
Actually it is true
there’s a saying as “I’ve never seen a greater monster or a miracle in the
world than myself”.. Well me neither. But this applies to every single person
around me.
I fell in love with
the wrong guy once. Pretty selfish, egoist, tough, problematic and the guy who
would kick me with his words and insult me with all the things I shared with
him. If I know one thing on this world now it is that do not ever give secrets
to people. Either keep it to yourself or tell it to a stranger that you will
never ever see again. Because people are mean. Your own secret can really slap
you back if you do not lend it to a right person. No seriously, secrets
should be carefully kept and should not be spent in return of some nice words
or even worse some beer...
Life is really
short and when you have almost everything probably you should also know how to
stand up. Just because you made a bad choice and just because you are going
through tough times does not give you the opportunity (!) to let someone
humiliate you. If so, then you are a total mess. I might have been a fucked up
mind recently. My egos and my heart clashed and thanks to this
really dramatic accident I lost myself and trusted possibly the worst one on
the world. Well.. Nullum sine auctoramento malum est…
I would never run
away, I would never be that weak to get my backpack and hop on to a plane and
leave. Although it would have been much easier, I would never do it. Just
because I made a bad choice and just because I picked wrong people and just
because that people are the worst people on the world, I would never punish myself
and go away.
Life is much more
funnier than all these. One moment you think of yourself dreaming of weird stuff and the other moment you think of yourself drinking your beer
with the right choice. One moment you feel as if you are the less valuable
person on the world, secs after that you feel as if you are really pretty and
smart and you can crash someone’s life and cause someone sing songs in the
morning while driving to work. One moment you feel like running away and the
other moment you keep yourself dreaming your unborn babies and your family in
your garden all together on a summer day. One moment you feel as if you will
never ever accomplish something then just minutes after that you feel the real
self-confidence. So no matter how harsh you are to yourself and no matter how
much you’ve underestimated yourself for a very long time, you know actually you
are really something. Not because people keep telling you this, it is because
you also know that you are really something.
One moment you feel like you will never
forgive that people who hurt you. And one moment... Well actually you might keep feeling this for the rest of your life…
Hal: Well, let's say that since you were little, you always dreamed of getting a lion. And you wait, and you wait, and you wait, and you wait but the lion doesn't come. And along comes a giraffe. You can be alone, or you can be with the giraffe.
Oliver: I'd wait for the lion.
Hal: That's why I worry about you. (Tribute to one of the best movies ever: Beginners)